Who The F*ck Am I?

I don't know that I do anything for myself anymore. I mean, I would like to think that I get up for myself, that I go to school for myself, that I take care of myself, for myself— but I don't truly know.

This might all sound ridiculous, but it's something that I've been wondering for quite some time now. 

All my life, I've felt like I had to impress people because I’ve always felt like a misfit. In friend groups, I always felt I was the one that didn't belong or the one that no one would care about if I just disappeared. I unfortunately carry those same feelings to this day, to the point where I have convinced myself that it is just a part of life. It doesn't have to be, and that's something I'm trying to teach my mind, but the truth is I don't even know where to start. 

I feel like everything I do is subconsciously based on other people. I don't know what parts of me, make me myself. For example, if I tell myself I think a shirt is cute, do I even like it or is it just trendy? Do I really not care for Mamma Mia or was I just told that it was a stupid movie by many people, and I was trying to save my own feelings by saying that I just find it “okay”? That’s a stretch, but I'm hoping you get the gist. The point is that everything down to my own interests and hobbies have been based off of others for as long as I can remember, to where I couldn’t even tell you something interesting about me.

It’s become extremely hard for me to be myself around people because I don’t even know who I am anymore. Truthfully, I don’t know if I ever have. At the same time, I’ve never felt accepted for myself, and I don't know if it's from people making me feel this way or if it's from my mind convincing me people hate me. I think there's a good chance it could be both. It's been so damaging and I don't know any way of reversing it. No matter what I do, I feel like I will somehow get judged by others, and that's just the simple truth.

Let me preface by saying this, you’re going to get judged no matter what so do whatever the fuck you want. I just don't know how to take my own advice. 

This is the first thing I’ve done for myself in a while, this blog. I’ve had this idea for some time now but was worried that I would be judged for it. I’ve come to the conclusion that if I keep having this irrational fear of being judged for everything I do, and if I allow that fear to stop me from pursuing what I enjoy, then I will never actually be able to accomplish anything that I want in life. While that might be harsh, it’s the reality. I need to start doing things for myself.

At the end of writing this, I still don’t know who I am. I don’t know my interests nor do I know of any hobbies. I don’t even fully know what I want out of life or anything, for that matter. What I do know is that if I want to live a life that I enjoy, I'm going to work on doing things for me from now on. It might take some time, but it’s something I’m willing to focus on. What’s important is that I try to fully grasp onto my life with my own two hands, and make it mine. In the end, I won’t want to remember worrying about what people thought of me, or the endless fear of judgement clouding my brain— I’ll want to remember doing what I loved.