Addiction to Being Sad.

I think that, for a while, I was addicted to being sad.

I didn’t know anything else, it was almost comforting to me. I would completely self sabotage my happiness because I truly believed I didn’t deserve it. Not because of anything I did, just simply because that’s what I convinced myself.

I’d be having a great day, and throw on some sad music because happiness just felt wrong. I can directly site times where I was having a fun with friends and then forced myself into a wave of sadness. I would stay friends with people who no longer served me and I would allow myself to be treated poorly. I did all of this because I was just so okay with being purely sad. 

I’ve grown from it, slowly. Sure, I catch myself doing it here and there and I try to get out of my own head. But that’s the point, I learned to catch myself in the act and stop it, rather than allow myself to go through with it.

The truth is, it wasn’t easy… at all. We get into a place where we feel comfortable, and when we get out of that comfort zone, we don’t know how to handle it. In this case for myself, it was negative, and I know this can happen to others, too. That’s when we start repeating patterns that are bad for us, wether this be personally (emotional, mental, physical) or even within relationships with others. We can’t seem to get out of these patterns and it’s almost like we’re begging to get out but then the option arrives and we just chose to remain.

The hard part about trying to grow from it, too, is that sometimes I can’t decipher if something is best for me or if it’s to purposely lead me back to sadness. There are times where decisions may lead to this at first, but in the end it will be a better outcome. Then there are decisions that I specifically used to make for the purpose of sadness. It’s hard determining which is which, sometimes. I tend to get into my own head.

“Am I pausing communication with this person right now because it’s better for me in the long run or because I just convinced myself they hate me and I’m trying to make myself sad?”

It doesn’t only apply to situations so specifically, either, but it was a feeling I had that was so reoccurring in all instances. It wasn’t until one day this past fall I came to the realization I sabotage myself in this way. 

Why do I do this to myself? Why do I feel like I’m so undeserving of happiness? 

I’m going to be honest, I still don’t know the official answer, but there also might not be just one specific answer. If this happens to you, too, I believe it depends on your surroundings. Your family, your friends, your workplace— just in general the people you surround yourself with on a daily basis, or even the people you have surrounded yourself with in the past. This can all lead to feelings of sadness and unworthiness. 

I’m not a therapist nor do I think I should be diagnosing myself or anyone with what they have or why they may be feeling certain ways, but I think that it’s only right for me to end this excerpt by me stating something very important, to me:

Please take a look at your surroundings and remove anyone in your life who makes you feel like you do not deserve happiness, that you are unworthy, or people who just do not make you feel good. This is one of those decisions that will make you sad in the moment, but will be better off in the future. You are worthy of happiness, please don’t let others, or yourself, feel like you are worth any less.